Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
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Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Good morning!
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I didn’t realize that was an option
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
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It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear