DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
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I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!