If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
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Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer