Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
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[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less