What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
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Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
“I FIXED IT!”
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Mood.. 😂
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*