WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
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“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
this has done me in for some reason
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.