I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
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Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO