Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
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[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job