Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
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Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.