There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
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What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
gentlemen, hear me out