That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
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Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
wtf is a larm clock?
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
This will never not be funny 😭
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.