I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
You Might Also Like
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday