WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
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I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
the official breakfast of 2021
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it