*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
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YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Whoa… oh I see lol
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness