Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
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Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
get you a girl who
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Put this video in the Louvre
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
you telling me a banana nut in this bread