Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
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Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Something Saturday.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
#parenting
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.