Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
You Might Also Like
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.