If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
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*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
everyone has that one prude friend
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute