I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
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That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.