i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
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Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Woke up with morning Yule Log
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that