I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
You Might Also Like
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
We all have our pet causes.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.