me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
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[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
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Expectations vs. Reality
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.