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If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*