Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
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“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I laughed at this way too hard.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Thursday
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.