Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
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Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other