Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
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Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.