POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
You Might Also Like
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
When a shoelace touches your ankle
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person