[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
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Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Stop being racist to kettles.
awkward
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Running your mouth is not cardio.