5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
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Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.