[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
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If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
me and my fake scenarios
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
These are my emotional support Pringles.