Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
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Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Simple enough.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.