[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
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ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope