to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
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Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Me sliding into hell like
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.