My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
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I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science