“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
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a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.