[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
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All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
good let them take over I have had enough
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
okay run it by me one more time
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids