{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
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Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me: