I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
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*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
happy valentine’s day to me
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.