I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
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[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
*updates tinder bio*
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Always the camel, never the toe.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.