My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
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[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
#titanic
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Watermelon Boss!
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔