I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
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For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.