eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
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*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it