*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
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Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
23. the denim jacket
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.