you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
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Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
brian had himself a morning…
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.