ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
You Might Also Like
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room