“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
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grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.