I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
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i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
no regrets
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
groan^2
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.