ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
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The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.