If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
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Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.