Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
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Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.